Satan Describes a Good Month
Satan is frustrated. It seems that with all of the suffering and death in the world - nothing is nearly cataclysmic enough for his tastes. With billions of people living on earth - millions should be dieing from terrible fates each week. Anything less makes Satan very bored.
Worse yet, he is getting a bad reputation on earth among the mortals. It seems this USA country has acquired the name The Great Satan. On more than one occasion Satan could be heard saying, “What? That is ridiculous. Let me tell you about being a Great Satan.”
If you bring this subject up … oh no … old Satan will go on a roll telling you how this USA ought to be doing things. Satan explains his two “Great Satan action plans” for this USA to choose between. Call the first one the Great Satan-Max plan, as described here by Satan himself:
Well, let me say that this first plan - this is the easy and obvious route. Immediately, this USA just nukes all of those Muslim countries where so many of the people are filled with hate (me at work!) and want to kill USA citizens. In the period of a few hours they could vaporize every Muslim major population center throughout the Middle East! Tehran, Islamabad, Riyadh, Damascus, Tripoli, etc. - all toast. After that, this USA could see what’s left. Then once a week or so, as they spot some populations centers worth targeting (refugees camps, human migrations, smaller cities, villages, etc) then they could send over another round of nukes. Sometimes just tactical nukes would do the trick. It would be nothing but fireballs, burning flesh, and horrible screams! Ahh, nice. Now what is so complex about that? I just don’t get this USA. 10,000 nukes, and they just let them go to waste. Idiots.
But of course old Satan does not have an entirely free hand on earth, which he is only too keenly aware. With exasperation, he describes his alternate action plan for evil for this USA. Call it the Great Satan-Lite plan, as Satan describes it here:
My wimpier, girlyman plan uses no nukes at all. Instead, this USA can just use massive strikes with conventional bombs from planes and guided missiles. In the first couple of weeks they bomb every military base, military airport, military communication center, and so on throughout the Muslim Middle East. But that of course is petty stuff, yawn, boring.
After taking down every military facility, next comes the civilian infrastructure. Every electrical power generation station is obliterated. The lights, heating, air conditioning, refrigerators, and stoves go off throughout the Muslim Middle East. This could probably be done in about a day or two. Next you destroy every water treatment facility and dam. No more clean water - and lots of floods. The rest is obvious. All bridges are destroyed and all major airports too. Food distribution centers and hospitals are pulverized. And of course every large building in these countries is destroyed. The spectacle of those exploding building is just so pleasurable, and the desperation of those people digging through the rubble just makes my sadistic heart pound.
This plan lacks the mega-pyrotechnics and sizzle of using nukes - but this is more than made up for by the slow suffering, awful deaths, starvation, piles of rotting flesh, riots, and so on. Yes, this would give me, Satan, a really good month - yes, a really good month.
Then Satan adds one last comment in disgust:
One thing - this USA is so dependent on oil. Well why in Satan’s name don’t they just take it? Idiots, seriously - idiots. In a week or so they could capture every major oil field in the Middle East. They then get decades of cheap, plentiful oil! Like I said, idiots.
Side Note: Another thing that really ticks off Satan, that you never hear the end of, is that why did this USA get all of the good weapons and soldiers? He asks, for example, why couldn’t someone like this Ahmadinejad of Iran have gotten them instead? He would work Satan’s will in a heartbeat! Satan has been heard to say, “By Satan - he even looks and acts like me!“
